Dog vs Cat Diary


Dog Diary

dog typing8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!

12:00 PM - Lunch! My favourite thing!

1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favourite thing!

3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!

5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favourite thing!

7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!

8:00 PM - Watched TV with my people! My favourite thing!

11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!

Cat Diary

cat typingDay 983 of my captivity

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.


There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.... for now.

01 July 2015  |  20:07

So funny and so true to life. Brought a wide smile to my face as I read it. Well done that author 😊

Ian Hilpus
02 May 2021  |  21:48

I was asked to look after a cat named Tigger for a family with three children over Christmas and New Year a few years ago. It was decided that Tigger should come to stay with me at my once beautiful home. I wrote a Diary of his exploits and I turned it into a newsletter titled Cat-Flap-News. It was so well received and I was asked for dozens of copies. excerpt; While preparing my Christmas breakfast of Smoked Salmon placed on my eggs the phone rang and I turned around to see my Breakfast Salmon taken, at speed down the garden path and onto the roof of the garden shed. I had to think of revenge so thought to confine him to the boxroom with a TV and videos of Lassie Films played loudly. Cats, Dogs I love them both!

04 September 2022  |  23:21

That sounds awesome! Is the Cat Flap News you wrote available somewhere?

02 July 2015  |  10:59

Absolutely brilliant! We could hardly read these diaries for laughing and they certainly reminded us of some of the cats and dogs who have shared our lives.

Mike Horner
14 July 2015  |  21:59

A great article and totally consistent with the saying that dogs have masters and cats have servants. Our 4 cats are now beginning to cooperate and I am sure they are planning a great escape.

07 October 2015  |  2:07


11 October 2015  |  17:27

I had a good chuckle reading this. Reminds me of my pets!

16 October 2015  |  21:24

So fun so stupid

06 November 2015  |  10:11

Haha. This is so true.

10 March 2016  |  14:46


Linda Jane
01 November 2016  |  10:55

So funny 😁 and scaring true, my cat clearly see's me as an enfearerer species, who is to be looked after as one would care for their loved but rather senile and confused 😖 aunty, keep it up, don't let my feline friend get the better of me 😼 x

Christine Arnold
19 April 2020  |  7:32

🐈🐕💖 🤣🤣

So true

05 May 2024  |  4:24

That was hilarious you should write comedically because that was genius

08 June 2017  |  17:36

LOL very funny. The dog LOVES pretty much anything, I guess that's what goes on in dog's brain.

18 April 2020  |  11:46

Very Funny indeed, love the Dog LOVING everything!

08 September 2020  |  16:51

lol, so true

Alden Joe
21 October 2020  |  22:49

haha, so funny

Marc Morisse
27 November 2021  |  4:09

How to contact the original writer of this text in order to get the permission to freely translate to French and republish the entire thing as English / French. Nonprofit intended. Gpl based

Debbie Butterworth
24 December 2021  |  22:06

One of my cats Fergal, who is known locally as The King ,struts around the neighbourhood as if everyone should be curtsying in his path,my other 3 part like the red sea when he walks in the room,now I know what he's thinking!hahaha

16 May 2022  |  4:01

haha so true will there be a sequal my corgi is litterally the same as the dog in this 😆

Verna Verna L Jackson
05 August 2022  |  17:30

Unfortunately I am very allergic to cats. But I can see some of those thoughts in some I have been around. Once when visiting friends, their Manx jumped on my lap and let everyone was surprised. But she had and evil plan. Unknowingly I was sitting in her chair and no one told me. Between where I was sitting and her gracing me with sitting on me I was soon itching and sneezing.

Mary Muscato
19 November 2023  |  21:25

Both of these are SO funny!! I wish we could get inside their heads & hear what they really think is going on!!